The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
