I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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