I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
