this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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