I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
