just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
