my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
