Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
