I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
