we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
