Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
