i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
