Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
