he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
