Don't EVER smell your tampon
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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