areolas are like halos for boobs.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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