Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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