i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's rum buckets o'clock
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
