Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
