is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
