Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
