fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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