I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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