Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
