I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
