i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
