There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
