You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
