I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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