That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
and you fell through a lawn chair
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
