I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
