Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
