I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
