Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
