i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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