Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
