Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
