I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
