if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
