So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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