I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
