I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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