She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
