i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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