You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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