he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
