Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
