my mouth tastes like poor choices
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
