GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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