Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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